when God is silent

God has always talked to me. And I've always liked it that way. When I read the bible the verses jumped. When I went to church the preacher preached to me. When I talked to my friends the stuff they were learning was exactly what I needed to hear.

But in the last few months, for whatever reason, that changed. I found that God wasn't talking to me in those ways anymore. In fact I would read my bible every day, read a devotional, pray, and sometimes read other spiritual books and never seem to have one deep revelation. At first, this really scared me. I wondered if I was somehow sinning and blocking out God's voice.

Or I thought, maybe he's talking and I'm just not listening. I tried with my own logic to make a message or a word from God out of the random smatterings of reading and quiet time. But honestly, that didn't work. I still felt his silence.

This was a bit discouraging and kind of scary. If I'm not hearing God, how do I know what his will is? I was so scared in fact, that I stopped acting in faith. If I didn't know what God was saying, I didn't want to do anything.

For example, I was praying about what to do w/my money. I had been thinking about hiring some people to help in my house because I knew their families could use the help. I had also been wanting to help a friend out with some school expenses, but I never heard God say, "Justine hire this woman to clean" or "give your money to this friend."

So I did nothing. For several months, I just held onto my money and waited for an answer. Eventually I got one. In the midst of the silence, I felt God's spirit start to convict me about storing my treasures up on earth instead of in heaven. He brought to mind the parable of the talents, the rich young man, and the passages about giving to your brother in need. And in my heart I felt him so strongly say, "you're money is going to rot."

Wow! Kind of intense. I still wasn't sure what God wanted me to do, but I knew I had to start giving it away. So I did. I decided to do the things that had been on my heart to do even though I hadn't specificially heard God say them.

And you know, I think he was happy with that. I wonder if sometimes I don't overcomplicate God's will, making it out to be this tightrope walk that would end disastrously w/one mis-step. I don't know, maybe sometimes God does talk to us about every single decision. And maybe in some seasons He doesn't.

Maybe sometimes he says Go here. And other times he just says be my servant, and leaves it up to us to interpret what that means. I mean really, do you think God would get mad at me for hiring a struggling young widow to clean my house w/o asking him? Or would he be angry if I helped a friend out with their schooling when I know he's blessed me financially? Probably not...

Even now, I'm still sorting out what to do when God is silent. Maybe it's this simple: Do the good that's in front of you to do.

holiness?

The night she had 6 pudding instead of 7, I'm not sure if anyone noticed that it was her who went without. No one sees the cupboard full of missmatched sheets, the aftermath of open-handed linen lending. And I've not heard anyone acknowledge her sacrifice when she continuously offers the last bit of leftovers, leaving her own plate empty.

And yet, still she does it. Every day, Joy Irvine chooses to put others before herself, in a subtle but stunning posture of selflessness. As I've watched her over these past seven months, I've often thought, I wish I had a heart like hers and wondered how I could get one.

I don't choose to use my only free moments in my week to love on a three-year old or teach math to a second-grader. In fact, I'd much rather use my time for me, retreating to my house to write and listen to some music. But she somehow consistently chooses sacrifice, so much so, that I'm not sure she's even concious of it.

Sure, 30 years of marriage and mothering five children may have something to do with her bent toward servanthood. But I think it's even more than that. To me it's an example of what happens when a believer chooses to be Christ-like in the little things. Gradually, those little things accumulate and inside that person the nature of Christ himself is cultivated, and for a few moments each day heaven is on earth in her holiness.