College Graduates

This past weekend I attended my little sister's college graduation. It was kind of weird for me to be back on a college campus and to look at all the students and professors from the outside in.

It made me think back on my graduation 2 years ago. What was I thinking? What did I hope for? What did the speakers tell us?

Even though it hasn't been that long since I was wearing that robe, so much has changed. I think of my own naive optimism. I left college feeling confident. I understood God and the world, and knew what I was going to do to change everything. The students there had that same look on their faces as they watched the speaker or shot silly string at one another.

They seem so young and innocent. I know many people probably look at me and still see the same things inside. But where I am now feels worlds away from where I was as a college graduate.

I had no idea how difficult ministry really was or how hard it is to apply perfect book theories to a broken reality tied up with the messy strings of history. Sure, work overseas, empower nationals, always create self-sustaining ministries, sounds good. But how does that work in a country with one of the worst economies in the world? And how does that work when the parental ministry of missionaries 50 year ago is still strongly influencing the population of today?

I know...I'm learning change is a slow slow process, and people are changed by people not policies. This is a lot harder than it sounded in intercultural studies classes.

I also think I'm learning a lot about God. I knew God was good in college because mostly everything in life was good. I loved my classes, my friends, chapel, my job. Not that there weren't hard times, but it was easy to believe God was good in such an awesome environment.

But what do you do with your good God when there is a huge earthquake, you lose friends, a whole nation is grieved, and an already impovrished country is left with a wreck that would take the United States years to recover from? Is He still good?

I'm starting to believe again that He is, and starting to see that He never left and never changed. But it seems like sometimes I have to trust His goodness rather than see his goodness.

I heard a quote at the graduation last weekend that was something like this, "Greatness is not determined by how much money you make or how successful you are in your work. Greatness is determined by what it takes to discourage you. Don't ever quit." I think this makes more sense to me know 2 years out than it would have 2 years ago.

At 24 there are so many things I just don't get. I am starting to get glimpses of how hard life is and can be. (I know anyone over 40 is probably saying just you wait.) And I'm starting to see how ideals aren't so easily translated into reality. But I wonder if there isn't something beautiful about the naive optimism and hope of a college graduate that starts to slip away as we step into disillusionment. I don't want to ever lose that feeling I had when I graduated that our God can do anything and will do awesome things. This is still true.